Hi. You know what? I will do it. Thank you.
I over-ordered. No, you didn't.
Here, I'll put your entrée over here,
right next to your other three entrées. You can...
Is there any bread? Yeah.
No.
You have eaten it... I have eaten it all. I'm sorry. It's done.
Oh! By the way,
I was thinking about the nursery today. I have a great idea...
Sam. What?
Remember, this is special. We're not talking about the baby tonight.
I know. You're right, you're right.
Good. So what else?
I drove the route to the hospital today.
Figured out that rush... Not talking about it.
So why would I start that sentence, one would ask.
I'm not. I'm just very excited.
I am, too. But in three weeks, it's all we're going to be talking about.
So tonight, let's just enjoy the two of us.
You're right. Hold on...
Or the one of us. Where you going?
I'm gonna go get you some bread.
Oh, thank you.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, God.
Uh-oh, what happened? My water broke.
Your water broke? Okay, all right.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God!
Sam, what are you doing?
I need hot towels, ice chips and a flashlight.
Sam, wait. Please. Calm down, we're gonna do it.
There's no time! There's no time!
Sam... Can you call 911?
My water glass broke
is what I should have said.
Oh, my God. Yes, you should have.
Okay, 50 baby shower thank-you notes done.
Ooh, I'm impressed you got through them so fast.
It was easy. I just wrote the same thing on every one.
Oh, Mellie, you didn't!
Oh, no, no. My friends, they all call each other. They read and they compare.
I'd be... I'd be ruined. Ruined.
Gotcha.
Oh, you sweet-faced devil.
(EXHALING)
SAM: Good morning, everybody.
MELANIE: Good morning.
Ahh, coffee time for Sammy.
Oh, Sam. I'm sorry. I'd make some more, but... There's no time!
(ALL LAUGHING)
You know what? She didn't need to know.
"I need ice chips! I need a flashlight!"
Ahh.
Why would you... Why would you need a flashlight?
Man, I'm just trying to be there for my wife.
To be fair, he's always there when you don't need him.
Geez, Dick. Oh, stop.
Dick's been a grump all morning cause he's losing his precious sofa.
It's not my precious sofa.
It just happens to be my favorite napping sofa,
and you have been angling to get rid of it for months now.
Oh, I have not. I love that sofa.
I do. I love it, and I was devastated when Sam destroyed it.
ANGELA: Sam, dear, could you bring me my wine? I think it's on the sideboard.
Got it.
Is that for one person?
Angela?
(SHOUTING) Thank you!
Oh!
Oh, Sam, look what you have done.
I'm clumsy.
Um, all right, I'm heading out.
Ooh, I'll walk you out.
Oh, and the new sofa is gonna be just as comfy.
(GRUNTS)
Don't pretend to read your paper.
Hey, you wanna meet for lunch today?
Nope. These notes were the last thing on my list of boring stuff to do.
And now that they're done, I have a whole day booked for the fun stuff.
Wow. Take that nice lunch offer.
Oh, no. Honey, I just mean,
we're gonna be together every minute of the day when this baby is born,
so now that I'm on maternity leave I just want to get spa treatments,
and go out for smoothies with those cliquey girls from the prenatal yoga class.
I thought you hated those girls.
I did, but then they invited me.
Oh, damn, my dad's out of stamps.
Hey, you wanna really be there for me?
(EXCLAIMS) I'll mail them from the office.
Great, thank you. All right.
Are you sure you don't want to meet me for lunch?
Well, it's tempting,
but lately when we go out to eat you tend to throw my food on the floor.
Hmm, didn't stop you from eating it.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I'm about to mail them.
Oh, that's not why I was calling.
Oh, well, hello. Why are you calling?
Okay, that's why I was calling.
DICK: Well, I guess I can just nap standing up like a horse.
That's my parents.
They have not stopped bickering since you left.
All right. Well, I'm on my way to mail the thank-you notes right now.
Okay. DICK: What do you think
I'm doing there with my eyes closed.
It's getting ugly around here, I'm gonna make a break for it.
All right. Bye, babe. Bye.
(DICK AND ANGELA ARGUING)
(EXHALING) Oh!
Right after I pee.
All right.
I've actually never mailed anything from here.
Hey, Tess, do you know where I can find a mail slot or...
Ha, never mind.
Excuse me.
Oops. Excuse me. It's complicated. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Man, you can't do that.
You can't put garbage in a mail slot.
That's not a mail slot. That's a trash chute.
I just saw you put your mail in there.
No, that was junk mail. I just was throwing it out.
I just put a whole thing of Mel's thank-you cards down there.
Ooh, I hope they didn't land in the chili I just threw out.
Oh! Mel. Mel, come in here. Tell your father that there's nothing wrong with this sofa.
Oh, I don't want to be late for my spa day.
Mel.
(SIGHING) All right, all right.
Um, Dad, there's nothing wrong with the sofa.
Are you kidding me? Look how sharp the edges are on that cushion.
You could cut your eyes with them.
Sharp cushions. Isn't that just the living end?
Look, I would love to stay and get in the middle of this, but I have an appointment...
Sit down. What?
I trust Melanie, if she says that the couch is uncomfortable, out it goes.
And if she likes it, then it can stay.
But, see, this is really my time. Okay, sit down, sit down.
Okay, all right, all right.
Okay.
(GASPS)
Whoa. See? Sharp.
No, my water just broke.
Oh, honey!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. This is so exciting. I'll get your bag.
I'm gonna have the baby.
May she bring you as much joy as you brought me.
Oh, God.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey. Are you sitting down?
Why?
My water just broke.
You're really milking this one, honey.
No. Honey, it's happening.
Really? Yes.
Are you serious?
(HONKING)
I'm having a baby. I'm sorry. That's why... I...
Are you... This is it?
Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, okay.
Then, uh, just stay there, I will be there.
Uh, sit down, shut up...
You know what I mean. Just run to... Don't run. I didn't mean that, don't run.
I will do the running. Sam, it's okay. Calm down.
My parents are going to drive me to the city.
And we've got plenty of time, so all you have to do is meet me at the hospital.
Okay. Okay. I'm on my way.
Wait. Sam, wait. Dr. Royce's office called
and he had to do a procedure at a different hospital.
So we're meeting himat Saint... Okay. Okay, yeah, let me...
Oh! Phone went in the box. Ah, right in the box. Got it right down there.
Damn it. Honey, I didn't hear what Saint.
Hello? Sam?
Honey, Saint what? Oh, God.
Which Saint?
Hello?
What Saint?
I'm allowed to, I dropped something in there.
I'm allowed to, I've dropped something in there.
Thank you for your judgment... Yes.
Hey, Sam, it's me.
I don't know what happened, our call got all echoey.
I hope that doesn't mean you took the phone into the bathroom again.
Anyway, call me back.
He's still not picking up.
Oh, honey, you'll get through soon.
Just stay focused on the task at hand.
You've been grinning like a pig in slop ever since my new sofa got covered in ick.
No offense, honey.
None taken.
Angela, please. I'm smiling because our daughter is about to have a baby.
Although, we will have to replace that new sofa.
Perhaps with the old sofa.
I'd sooner get two canvas Barcaloungers.
Does this even work?
Ahh. Gum.
Come on.
Hey.
(CAR HONKING)
I'm sorry, sir. Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
(SCREAMING)
Let go of my...
No, no, no, no.
...mail.
NURSE: Sir? Do you know your name?
Where am I?
You're at Saint Sebastian's Hospital.
Saint... Did you say "Saint"? Did you just say "Saint"?
Oh, my God! You're a saint.
My wife is having a baby here. I can go...
(SCREAMING)
Take it easy. Take it easy.
You bruised your coccyx pretty bad, and you might have herniated a disc.
That was some beating you took.
You're lucky that mail carrier found you when she did.
Yeah, I'm real lucky. I need to find my wife. Please help me.
Don't worry, we gave you an epidural for the pain.
In another 15 or 20 minutes you won't feel a thing in your lower extremities.
I need to call my wife.
(GROANING)
Oh, boy.
Oh!
Where is Sam? He really should have been here by now.
Honey, don't worry, I'm sure he's on his way.
In the meantime, how about I give you a nice foot massage?
Okay.
Oh, my goodness, Mellie. Your toenails are like talons.
Honestly, you could swoop in and catch a trout with those things.
I had an appointment.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Dear, if you're not taking one of your famous naps, could you grab that?
Yeah. Sam. Where the hell are you?
Is that Sam?
Sam? Honey, I'm here.
Hi, where are you?
I'm at the hospital. I'm so sorry. How are you?
(GROANING)
Yeah, no, I'm super.
Okay, okay. Everything's going to be fine.
I just need to know what room you're in.
It's Room 216.
Okay, you hang in there, I'm on my way.
This is going to be the best day of our lives!
I love you!
(GRUNTING)
(TAPE RIPPING)
(GROANING)
216. 216. 216.
Here he comes.
Baby, here I am.
You are not my baby.
(SIGHING) Apparently, there's more than one "Saint" hospital.
Cab!
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
(GROANING) Cab. Cab.
All right, I really need your help.
(MISPRONOUNCING) Ashok. That's a really cool name.
It's Ashok. Thank you. It means "without sorrow."
That's great. Hey! All right, so I have a real problem.
My wife is having a baby right now and I don't know the hospital.
Sir, your situation makes me very sad.
I see no point in going on.
There is a point. Let's find a point. We're gonna do this together, okay?
We just need to find the hospitals that have "Saint" in them.
It's the Saint something.
Wait a minute, sir.
I am happy to tell you the only "Saint" hospitals are this one and Saint Anne's.
I am filled with joy.
That's awesome. Let's do it.
I will not fail you!
(CARS HONKING)
I have failed you.
No, no, no.
You cannot blame yourself for the traffic. How much further?
Only three blocks.
Sir, it would be a great shame upon my name, but if I were you I would just walk.
This ride is complimentary.
Good idea. Thank you. Feeling better anyway.
Think the medication's kicking in.
Wish me luck.
(GROANS)
It's the epidural.
WOMAN: Taxi. Oh, excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Hey, sweetheart, why don't you lay down right here?
This is comfortable.
Oh, you think that's comfortable? Why don't we put that in the living room?
Oh, where is Sam? I need him.
Don't worry. He's going to make it.
I don't think he's going to make it.
I can't do this alone.
But you're not alone. We're here with you.
Are you? Because you guys have been fighting about your stupid sofa all day.
I timed your arguments. They're six minutes apart.
Oh, God, Dick. She's right.
What are we doing? Our daughter's having a baby,
and we're arguing over a stupid sofa?
Hell, we don't even need a sofa.
Well, we should have a sofa. We're not Japanese.
Guys.
Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and we are here with you 100%.
Okay, you just tell us what you need, and we'll get it.
What do you need?
Sam.
I'll go find him.
It's my son-in-law. He's about...
About 6 feet tall, early 30s, probably smashing into something.
I'm sorry, sir. I haven't seen him.
He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.
That whole generation makes me sick.
They're all mouthy, selfish, and quite a bit lazy.
Hey, you don't actually need that wheelchair?
You're gonna need that wheelchair if you keep asking me stupid questions.
Sam!
Dick!
Ow!
I made it.
What the hell happened to you?
Oh, just some spinal anesthesia.
I didn't miss the birth, did I?
No.
(PANTING)
And you're not going to.
Come on, get in the chair.
Upsy-daisy.
I'm having a baby.
Oh, shoot! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What for?
Oh! Here.
Thanks. There we are.
DICK: All right, we've got to get to the second floor.
Hey! My wheelchair.
Who is that? Ah, it doesn't matter.
MAN: Hey, somebody stop those morons.
Wall!
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Get in here. I'm in.
Sorry, old timer.
Oh!
Hey there. Hi.
I'm Billy Wrubel. Dr. Royce is stuck in surgery, so I'll be pinch-hitting for him.
Hope you don't mind, huh?
Could you just check me, please?
Yeah. What the hell? Let's take a peek here.
Hey, can I please get an epidural.
No, can do. You are too far advanced.
So hang out. We're gonna have some fun.
But this really hurts.
If you can say "it really hurts," it doesn't really hurt.
Hmm? Later.
I'd like to break his legs. See if that really hurts.
Oh, God.
How many centimeters is she?
I have no idea.
What about her mucus plug?
Ugh! I think that's enough talk for now.
Can't this thing go any faster?
DICK: I don't think you should...
Tire burn!
...touch those wheels.
(MELANIE SCREAMING)
I think maybe I will run a little bit faster.
Shortcut!
(SCREAMING)
Are we getting there?
I can't stop. Can't stop. I can't stop.
(SCREAMING)
DR. WRUBEL: My legs!
DICK: Get the hell off of me!
Dick!
Sam!
SAM: Where's Mel?
She's waiting for you. What happened?
He smashed into me! It really hurts!
If you can say "it really hurts," it doesn't really hurt.
Okay.
Dick, Dick.
Oh, Dick, Dick.
Stop that.
Hello! Anyone? Is anyone there?
I am.
Sam!
I'm here for you, baby.
I knew you would be.
Oh, God.
Where were you?
You know, you said you needed some time alone so...
No, no, no. I'm joking. I... I...
I dropped the phone in a mailbox,
and got blackjacked by a mail carrier.
And I got an epidural, and dragged myself three blocks to get here.
What? You got an epidural? That's not fair.
The doctor here won't even give me ice chips.
What are you talking about? I'm on it, I'll get it...
No. Stay here. Okay. All right.
You just... You... You just breathe, honey.
(SHOUTING) People, get in here.
I need hot towels, I need ice chips, and I need a flashlight!
Why would you need a flashlight?
Don't you... Just get in here, man.
You're doing so good.
Do your things. You're doing so good.
She's so beautiful. You were amazing, honey.
You smell like chili.
I know, I'm sorry.
No, it's nice. I'm starving.
All right, you should probably go get my parents.
Oh, no, let's have another minute, just the three of us.
You can't move, can you?
It really hurts.
(GROANING)
I can't believe a week ago this little monkey was inside me.
(LAUGHING) Why, she looks just like you.
Do you want to hold her?
I sure do.
Oh, yes. I agree, she does look like Mel.
(SPITTING UP)
Oops. She got you.
But I see a little Sam in her, too.